"Living In Sin"

efore I officially moved into an apartment with Arya I was told countless horror stories of what happened to others when they moved in with their boyfriends. People warned that it would ruin our relationship, that is was too early, that I would get to know a side of him that I didn't know existed, and we would get sick of each other, etc, etc. All of this was actually very appealing. I am not interested in continuing on with the relationship if there is some secret evil hidden side of him that shows itself once we live together. Isn't one of the eventual goals of all good relationships to cohabitate? Why would I want to wait any longer to find these supposed deal breakers hidden deep within our relationship? As an adamant believer of not wasting time, I, of course wanted to see the dark, hidden, evil side of Arya ASAP, before it was too late to turn back. It also happens to be cheaper to share a one bedroom place between two people, plus I was already sleeping over with him maybe 5-6 nights a week anyways. Over a year after we began dating (and 3+ years of friendship before that) we officially moved in together.

And so far, it's been.... great. :) No complaints, at all. This alleged dark side that only comes out when you live with a person doesn't seem to exist with Arya. Maybe we need more time to really see, but I would think that 6+ months of living together would suffice. Who knows, I'll keep you updated if it takes a turn for the worse.

Maybe those other relationships that became doomed after a move-in became so, not because of the move-in, but because they were doomed from the start? As my undergrad psychology major courses loved to stress over and over, "correlation doesn't imply causation." I'm sure a lot of couples in those many move-in horror stories might have broken up regardless of sharing living quarters.

I know it's way soon for me to act like some expert on the topic, but in case you're interested, here are some ways that Arya and I make living together work. Or rather, how we make our relationship work. Because in the end there really hasn't been a change in our relationship after the move in, other than fighting over closet space because we both have wayyy too many shoes (and his size 13 feet don't make it any easier).

Very General Relationship Tips: 
(If you don't agree, let me know! I'm always learning and am open to new suggestions.)

• Take real interest in each other's interests, passions, and goals.
  
  Arya is my number one fan, he is behind me 100% when it comes to me reaching my goals. He helped me stay on track while studying for the LSAT and applying to schools, he believes in me no matter what my next (at times crazy) goals are. He even reads every single blog post that I write. :)
  
  On the other side of the relationship, Arya's interests are mostly what I would have never ever ever previously taken an interest. Like basketball, if you mentioned it to me pre-Arya I would have been like zzzzz, but because I care so much about Arya and his love of basketball is so important to him, I took an open minded look at the sport and listened to all he had to say about it. I still don't necessarily love the sport itself, but through opening myself up to something new, now I honestly love hearing his opinion about whatever is going on in the NBA. Through hearing about what bothers him or excites him about the NBA, I've gotten to know him better. It has indirectly shown me what he values in people, as morals, what kind of work ethic he believes in, and what kind of person he wants to be.
  
  Even though at first your significant other's passions or interests may seem like a bore, through opening yourself up and learning about it, you may find even more that you love about that person. If someone is passionate about something then that is also an important part of them. By not understanding that part of your significant other, you may end up never really getting to truly know them.
  
  
• When a problem arises, talk it out.
  
  Talk it out, talk it out, talk it out! As you might have already derived from this blog, I am a huge proponent of expressing myself. Anytime I feel something about someone I like to let them know. Not only do I prefer to let them know, but I might be incapable of otherwise. That's part of the reason I like to stay positive about people and focus on the good, because it's going to end up coming out of me, good or bad, and I would rather face the backlash of my positive feedback. Anyways, talking through your problems while being completely open and honest about everything really helps. It can be the difference between solving the symptom of the problem versus addressing the root of the issue. Figuring out what the root of the issue can save you so much time later  in the relationship. Although it may seem like more work early on, in the end you will have saved yourself a lot of trouble by not having the same fight again and again. I personally can't let an issue rest until I understand the other side and we both come to a mutual understanding/solution. Plus, by really understanding where both people are coming from, you usually find that most fights are fueled by some misunderstanding/miscommunication.
  
  
• Don't just talk, but REALLY listen.
  
  This one is similar to the previous bullet, but by no means any less important. You can talk and express yourself all night long but if you don't listen to the other side then nothing gets accomplished. No matter how angry you might be you need to have an open mind and consider where the other side is coming from.
  
  
• Appreciate each other, daily.
  
  Your significant other can be the best, most amazing, thoughtful, caring, beautiful, and overall perfect person in the world, but if you don't take the time to remind yourself what you appreciate about them then you may take it for granted. When you are with someone for a while it's easy to forget what you have. To verbalize what it is that you appreciate on a daily basis about that special someone not only internally reiterates your love for them but also let's your partner know that you still care. Both are essential to remaining close and connected.
  
  
• Say thank you.
  
  Kind of similar to the previous point, but I mean this one to apply to actions/behaviors and not as much to traits. My grandparents have been happily married for over 50 years. Most recently, due to health issues, my grandfather has spent a lot of time helping my grandmother in and out of hospitals. It's been a stressful time for them both, but their love is as strong as ever. When you ask my grandfather how they can get through it all, he simply says, "she always says thank you." A "thank you" can go a long way, and it's incredibly easy.
  
  
• Take turns/ stay equals
  
  I am a strong believer that a relationship should be an equal partnership. None of that one side pays for everything BS, that's what a parent is for (unless of course one side is taking care of the children, incapable of contributing equally, etc.). The only man I will ever allow to pay for me like that was my dad. My significant other is to be my partner, to share life with, and to grow with. I don't only mean it to apply to financial one-sidedness, everything else should be equal too. Both sides should equally bring out the best in their partners. If your partner doesn't make you a better person or help you reach your potential and vice-versa, then you're both doing each other a disservice. 

These points may seem obvious, but they are essential to an improved relationship. Sometimes people forget about the simple things in life. I also recognize that every couple is different and what works for one set of people might ruin another relationship. I have even made this mistake myself. I've seen another couple functioning a certain way, got jealous, tried to incorporate it into my relationship, without the same results. Remember, (cliché alert) the grass is not always greener on the other side. Every lawn needs a different formula to help it thrive. With all that said, I still believe the above suggestions are so general that they can be applied to most anyone.

One more important thing that I think people overlook is that love does not conquer all. A crazy passionate love/lust only lasts so long. It can be a fun element, yes, but I think liking them can be the harder element to fulfill. Love without like I say? Think about it, you may love your annoying little sibling, but you might not necessarily like them all the time. Another example may be a crazy obsessive, can't live without each other love that at the end of the day, if you take out the crazy passionate sex, would they enjoy just talking to each other? You need to love, like, and respect your significant other. A good way to test this might be visualize yourself 70 years from now sitting in the nursing home. You can’t really move much, all you do all day long is sit in your rocking chair. Can you see your current significant other sitting next to you in their own rocking chair? Is that the person you'd want most there? If you say yes, then you probably really do like your partner. You'd be surprised how many people would not say yes to this.

Remember this old thing? 
It probably makes more sense to just show this diagram. Instead I tried to explain
something similar in the last paragraph without just using the official triangle terms.

Remember, I am only 23 and do not claim to know it all or anything really. These are just my ramblings derived from my mere 6+ years of committed relationship experience. All I know is that I found things that work for me. I’m sickeningly happy in my current relationship. Consider yourself lucky that this post wasn’t more of an ushy gushy love fest about Arya, as it could have very easily become. I’ve been told that after almost two years with him, I still glow when I talk about the roomie. =) I only wish everyone else to be as happy. I guess, just find what and who works best with you, and stick with it.